Inspiration

Forgiving Myself

I have had enough. Today I am choosing to forgive myself.

 

Forgiving Myself

 

I’ve built quite the “bad mom” rap sheet these past couple of days.

I’ve been in a cycle of 3rd trimester pregnancy horomones, sleep deprivation, and burnout. I’ve yelled, been short and snippy, ignored and isolated, and made some over the top disciplinary decisions that were neither age appropriate for my son or fair. (My child development professor in grad school would not be happy with me.) I’ve been disconnected, not present, finding any way I could to escape the hum drum routines of the day that felt as if they were swallowing me whole.

I chose to stay stuck in this cycle because what I often do when I make mistakes is to enter into a tug of war with myself. The downside is no side wins, we just keep pulling at one another. On one side is this fierceness of holding on to my anger and stress as a right because I’m defensive about feeling this way. I spend the day thinking of all the reasons I have the right to feel this way, “I’ve gotten NOT time to myself lately!”, “This pregnancy has been hard!,” “I never get to put myself first!” These aren’t gracious self-talk statements, these are angry picket signs in my mind that fuel the anger and rage. They don’t come with solutions or hope, they just keep me angry. They keep me holding tightly to my negative cycle instead of realizing the most powerful thing I can do is let go.

On the other side of the rope is the self-loathing and negative thoughts… that I’m really an awful mother, a monster, a person not even capable of trying to change so I might as well just throw in the towel and succumb to the fact that I’m awful and my kid will be forever screwed up. What’s the point in changing? I can’t. So again, I’m holding tightly to this tug of war on both sides because I’m afraid I don’t have the strength and the power to just let go.

During nap times and when I get a minute to catch my breath I find myself using my old defense mechanisms-explaining it all away, minimizing it, procrastinating changing and telling myself that I will be better when __________ happens. These are lies with false hope, pretty little wrapped packages with nothing inside them. I procrastinate taking that next step in breaking the cycle, waiting for an external event to happen for things to get better.

It hit me today that the only way to stop this is to be vulnerable and be forgiven. And no one needs to forgive me more than myself. I will make amends to my son- make attempts to re-connect, correct my direction and be more confident when standing by his side. But the hard work is putting down the rope and walking away from the game. The hard work is looking myself in the mirror and saying – yep, you screwed up this week, things have been hard but you’re still amazing, you’re still what your son deserves, you still are exactly who you need to be. It’s putting the rope calmly on the ground and putting my hands in the air. I surrender to the game, I don’t need to win it, I need to leave it all behind. It doesn’t mean things will all of a sudden be easier. But with forgiveness comes a head that is looking straight ahead,  not looking down in shame. Because if I’m going to be my awesome self and get back to where I want to be I have to see where I’m going.

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Forgiving Myself”

  1. I don’t remember how I stumbled upon your blog, but I wanted to comment to say thank you for articulating so well your internal battle. I struggle with the same vicious cycle. I’ve felt angry at my husband for a week for no real reason (none at all, actually…he’s been quite the model husband lately) and I can’t quite get myself to get rid of the chip, the picket signs. My worry is my concerted attempt and moderate success at being more patient and kind and loving with my son has caused me to simply redirect the impatience, irritability, etc. and it’s squishing out in the direction of my poor husband. HELP! (you just did…thanks for providing the space to spill)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much for your words Leanne! I think so many other moms can relate. I usually find when I’m in cycles of this its because I’m not getting a need met, something is missing and I don’t feel whole. I try to spend some time reflecting on what it is I feel I need and am yearning for, I spend some time journaling or using sentence completions like “I feel like I need _________ the most right now.” “If I have a day to myself I would _________.”– then the hard part is finding a way to get this need met either by asking for help, prioritizing yourself, and getting some time away. For me its been a culmination of things lately but I finally discussed with my husband and am going to take a half day to myself to get out of the house and do something for myself. Hope you can find what you need to get out of the cycle- sending love and light to you.

      Like

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