We know with research that venting frustrations can sometimes backfire and only amp up resentments and bitterness. And although at times this is true there is also a lot of benefits to venting if done in the right way and for the right reasons. Venting frustrations can be a self-care ritual when done carefully and framed correctly.
Venting is a release of our frustrations usually through conversation with another person. Usually releases of our frustrations can be a really positive thing as we all know keeping things bottle up can really lead to unhealthy choices, negative thinking cycles, and blowing up later.
So when you’re in need of a venting go ahead but think a few things first before you open the floodgates:
- Only vent to those that have earned the right to hear it. Putting our our feelings and insecurities can open ourselves for risks from people that don’t have our best interest at heart. It is important you only vent to those you fully trust and have earned your trust through past experiences like keeping confidence, showing nonjudgment and respect, or engaging in reciprocal vulnerability by sharing their own feelings with you.
- Search for validation from validating people. I know when I seek validation in my frustrations my husband isn’t the best candidate. This isn’t to say he is insensitive. Rather his approach to conversations about issues always revolves around finding the solution. Minimal processing and getting right to how to fix things is his MO. This is probably why he is such a great manager but sometimes it creates a feeling within me that my feelings about a situation are trivial and that doesn’t help me process what I’m experiencing or learn something about myself or a relationship with the process. Sometimes there isn’t something to be fixed and needing to process and let the feelings be for a little while before figuring a fix can be beneficial. So when I search for validation I find my close friends that have validated me before and seek their support.
- Seek to learn something about yourself or someone else. Venting for the sake of venting may make us feel better for a little bit but it most likely won’t have a long impact on those simmering emotions. When we vent for a purpose to come away feeling that we are understanding our perspective of a situation better by processing it with someone or by asking for a confidante to offer feedback we are learning from the situation rather than just dumping our feelings out. Always ask yourself after venting, “What have I learned? How will this knowledge impact me in the future?”
- If you don’t feel lighter after venting then its time to step back. If you don’t feel lighter or less emotional after venting then you could have yourself in a spiral of overanalyzing or insecurity about your feelings and/or past or future actions for the given situation. Venting can case a deep spiral where we become so wrapped up in our feelings about a situation things become fuzzy and we can’t find our way out. It’s best during these times to distract ourselves with something else, take a step back, and return to thinking about the situation or talking it through when our emotions are less intense.
- Be open to new perspectives. The great thing about venting sometimes is a unbiased third party can help you think of your situation and reactions from a different angle. If we don’t feel secure in our own feelings we can often become defensive and unwilling to see new perspectives when people offer them. So if a friend tries to get you to look at things from a different angle be prepared not to take it personally or misinterpret their response as invalidating your feelings.
- Be prepared for acceptance. Sometimes there are no answers to our vented frustrations. Sometimes bad things happen and there isn’t anything anyone can say to help you fix things. I’m resentful my daughter was born with heart defects and I can vent about that til the cows come home but it won’t change her heart. So remember that at the end of our venting sometimes needs to come with realizing that things are the way they are and that after venting we have to start opening ourselves up to the acceptance of our situations. It’s a long process and not one to be rushed but holding on to those frustrations won’t serve us well either.
So go ahead, find someone you trust and let it fly, but be mindful, tread carefully and find purpose and wisdom in your thoughts and feelings. Happy venting 🙂